American Gladiators Review

American Gladiators is back, and I'm worried like every other remake of my childhood. It is campy like the old, but guess what, there are some incredibly horrible decisions made by NBC, mostly based on treating the show like entertainment, not sports. These are just a few, and trust me, whiskey makes them bearable:
Announcers: Original AG had Mike Adamle and a Color man--Larry Czonka for the good years. This one has an unknown, emotionless play-by-play (I think the Dodgeball commentator) with colormen Hulk Hogan and Layla Ali. There is no rapport between the three, no analysis from Ali and Hogan. That helped the old Gladiators, Czonka (and later Nitro) also were able to give some insight during events. Right now, I'm just waiting for Hogan to start acting like he's the reason we watch.
Added Human Drama: Holy shit, the competitors have lives! Holy shit, so do I! The personal introductions don't endear me to people, they just make me laugh louder when someone tweaks their knee on the first event. This is a piece of reality bullshit that should be flushed as soon as possible. What makes me care about AG it regular people going up against steroidal naturally strong gladiators. Interviews should be kept between events.
Commercials between two competitors: Between to genders, it's fine and has been done in the original. Between two people, it feels arbitrary.
Hit and Run: An event brought from the British version, run from side to side and don't get hit by the wrecking ball. But the bridge has enough slack for competitors to duck. Tighten up the bridge, and then maybe I'll care.
Four events before the Elimator: Bull.Shit. Original AG had five plus the eliminator in one hour, meaning this hour is more filled with commericals and "emotional human drama." This means less kooky action that makes AG kick weekend syndication ass. Damn prime time network punditry.
Music: What, David vs. Goliath isn't enough?! The touches of "Another One Bites the Dust" and similar songs are a good touch after Joust, etc. However, music during the events just seems needless. And where is the classic theme from Bill Conti? Some things don't need to be changed; that theme was one.
Dark setting: After the first season, American Gladiators was about as patriotic as anything post-Cold War. Red white and blue fit will always fit this show. Black is a cheap out for any show, unless it's set at night.
Eliminator: THE REVERSE TREADMILL DOES NOT NEED A ROPE! It's also not the Travelator, emasculated announcer! It used to take three tries, then you could go up., here you have to climb the treadmill. The Barrel Roll is hilarious, and I can't wait until somebody slams into the SUV parked right next to the course.
The first episode was fine, but it derives from the tried and true "Puny Competitors 1 and 2 against people chiseled from granite" by just enough to leave a sour taste in my mouth. At least Wolf seems like the only Gladiator I'll actually care about.
Expected: ***1/2 It's not going to be like the old, but AG will be awesome because it's AG.
Actual: **1/2 I still have my memories and ESPN classic. I'm not going out of my way to watch the new show.